C = Cultivate Compassion

“Please, God, help me find compassion here. Thank you for helping me.” Call on God to help you find compassion toward yourself and then, you can give it to others.

Louise Haye, a world renowned healer, was given only three months to live yet, cured herself of cancer. She says when people come to her with any type of problem be it poor health, relationships, lack of money, stifled creativity - there is only one thing to work on. Loving the self. We begin this by practicing compassion, kindness and acceptance for ourselves.

For years, we’ve heard the importance of loving the self. I hear people proclaim they do love themselves, or don’t need to, or have done enough affirmations. However, in my work with thousands of people, I see how unkind people are to themselves and how much this hurts them. Within myself, I know I must observe my thinking and step back from unkind thoughts before they become an avalanche of darkness.

What do you say to yourself when you are learning something new and don’t understand it or make mistakes? Do you say, “Oh well, not too worry, nobody knows everything when learning something new. Everyone makes mistakes. I can be a beginner and learn from my mistakes. I’ll do better next time.” Or, are you more likely to hear, “I can’t believe I could be this dumb. I screwed up again.”

What does that voice say about your dreams or the new idea you want to try? Do you hear, “Go for it! You can do it!” Or are you more likely to hear, “Who do you think you are? You don’t have the education, experience, are too old (or too young) and are not smart enough. Nobody will buy your idea or it’s already been done.”

What happens when you’re playing your favorite game; tennis, golf, basketball, etc. and you’ve been making several errors and your game is off? Often, we become angry and critical of ourselves. Then our performance diminishes further, causing more self-criticism, and perhaps, even ruining the fun of the game.

Self-criticism, drains the joy from our lives and perpetuates the problem. In the past, the more I punished myself for mistakes I had made in mothering, the more shame I felt and the less worth I had. Consequently, the more easily I would be triggered, once again, into poor mothering. Berating ourselves, in no way, helps to heal or mitigate the damage done by our mistakes. It perpetuates the damage to our esteem and affects everything in our lives.

When we rip and tear at ourselves, or at others, with unkind criticism it is akin to pulling apart a rose bud in an effort to help it flower. Now, do not start criticizing yourself for criticizing yourself! You are not an isolated deviant caught in this hurtful thinking. This is a condition of the human race.

Instead, let us all reach for compassion. Let us acknowledge how achingly human we are. Let us keep our dignity and honor as we realize the complexity of our beings and the largesse of what we are attempting to work out in this lifetime. This is no small matter. We are doing the best we know how, given who we are and what we are facing.

Learning to love ourselves and others begins with observing and standing back a bit from our harsh thoughts. This patient and careful observance is an expression of love toward ourselves. Here we can find some compassion for the human trials we all endure.

When we make a mistake or get caught in dark thinking rather than beating on ourselves, can we reach for a larger perspective? Our pitfalls are not about screwing up; these are the trials of humanity. When we err, we can feel our remorse and affirm, “OK, I am human, and like every other human being, I blew it. I dropped the ball. Now I’ll pick up the ball and start again.” Self punishment only adds further damage to the situation. Remember, “Interrupting our destructive habits and awakening our heart is the work of a lifetime.”

Striving to see the big picture helps us to grow as human beings by stretching us beyond habitual reaction and gifting us with a broader vision. To paraphrase Laurens Van der Post, “It is the responsibility of the person with the higher consciousness to strive to see the bigger picture.” Ask yourself, “What is really going on here?” Ask God, “What is really going on here?” Seldom can we see a situation in its entirety.

In any given situation we often think we know what is happening. Yet, a sign of maturity is realizing how little we really know and how much is a mystery. We can be too quick to label a situation: “This child is being demanding and disrespectful and needs discipline!” Often, we want to rush in and teach them (co-workers, mates, children, relatives, even ourselves) a lesson without making any real attempt to find out what is underneath the hurtful behavior.

Pondering “What kind of a human being do I want to become?” during a quiet, reflective moment can help us to hold and to breathe and to make different choices the next time we feel our mood swinging. I don't believe anyone wants to keep repeating the same old patterns of righteousness, self-pity or over-reaction and, suffering the aftermath of shame. Instead, let us aspire toward being a person of honor who deals fairly with others and ourself; who has a code of ethics and a high standard of personal behavior.

When we feel our defenses rising, what can we do? A = Ask for Help, “Oh God, help me to navigate through this. Thank you for helping me.” B = Breathing Being, Practice ten breath countdowns. C = Cultivate Compassion, “Oh God, help me to respond with compassion. What is really going on here? Help me see the bigger picture. Thank you.” Later, when we blow it again (and we will eventually) let us just allow ourselves to start again, have some compassion for our human foibles, and know we are doing our best.

Through seeking to see the bigger picture we glimpse other people’s pain and get in touch with our own. There are many underlying factors causing this person to act-out inappropriately and also, causing us to react to their misguided actions. Through reaching for a broader perspective, we begin to see their misdirected anger may have little or nothing to do with us; just as our own heated indignation is likely fuelled by many past hurts. Perhaps, something far beyond our comprehension, is being worked out here for us, as well as for them.

If we look deeply enough, we may begin to sense a purpose in the dark weave of this masterful tapestry. By reaching for compassion and seeking to understand the bigger picture, we change the path of automatic reaction which changes us. We don’t have to be so right about our self-serving indignation or self-pity.

We can leave the door of our heart open to the offender and to ourselves. Not only are we transformed but so are those around us. Through seeking and glimpsing the bigger picture we are then, able to see the situation differently or reframe the story we tell ourselves.

"If we can see the story we are in when we fall into our various compulsive behaviors and moods, then we might know how to move through them more freely and with less distress." Thomas Moore

There is a continual flow of stories in our mind explaining everything that is happening or has happened to us. If we let these stories run unobserved or unquestioned we can deeply hurt ourselves and misunderstand others. Too often, these stories are self-absorbed, narrow and miss the deeper truth of a situation. We need to ask God, “How else can I see this situation?” Praying for compassion, practicing the ten breath countdown and seeking the big picture can help us let go of our story-line and reframe our story.

“Reframing Attack as the Need for Love”Joan Borysenko, Ph.D.

Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., writes in “Minding the Body, Mending the Mind” of a story told by Robin Casarjian, therapist and lecturer.

“Robin Casarjian, tells a beautiful story about an American aikido student in Japan. Aikido is a form of martial arts that actually teaches balance in life. Students are prohibited from using it against another person unless physical harm is certain.

An American aikido student was riding in a subway one hot summer’s day. A drunken, foul-mouthed laborer got on the train and promptly cuffed a young woman, sending her sprawling with her baby. Looking around for a fight, he saw only an old man, an elderly couple, and the young aikido student. The student and the drunken laborer squared off to fight. The student knew that the drunk was no match for him.

Suddenly the little old man tugged on the laborer’s clothes, saying he noticed the laborer’s enjoyment of drinking. The laborer swore at the old man, who persisted, remarking how he and his wife sipped a bottle of saki each night in their garden as they watched the slow recovery of a little peach tree injured in a storm. The drunk was so astonished that the old man dared talk to him that he began to listen.

When the old man asked the drunk whether he had a wife to share saki with, the drunk began to cry, explaining that his own wife had died in childbirth the year before. In his grief he had lost his job and taken to drink. Soon the drunk was resting his head on the frail shoulder of the old man. The old man stroked the drunk’s hair and listened with great compassion to his sorrows. The student, who watched this entire scene unfold, understood that he’d seen a true master of aikido at work.”

If we walked a mile in another’s shoes, the self-righteous stories we tell ourselves would wane. In order to reframe a situation we need to feel our feelings but not fuel them. This means we need to drop the story line we tell ourselves about the so-called offense against us or what we have done wrong. Within this moment, praying for help, practicing the ten breath countdown, and seeking the bigger picture we can find compassion.

We can become better human beings by truly listening to, and validating our loved one’s feelings rather than reacting. We might be very surprised to discover the deep hurt and fear that caused them to lash out. With compassion we can reframe the situation and see their hurtful behavior for what it really is… a cry for love and compassion. As Joan Borysenko says, “The attack arises out of the person’s own pain. The only remedy for pain is love.”

Now I am not suggesting we are super altruistic beings that never get angry and always turn the other cheek.

We have feelings and must discriminate how to respond to a situation. However, I know from my own life and from many clients I work with, most of us, habitually react far too quickly. There is no kindness, and little growth toward becoming a better being, on that habitual path of reaction. A compassionate world begins with compassionate citizens.

We also need to find this compassion for ourselves and reframe our life story. A few years ago on my 40th birthday, I was still feeling the pain of another broken relationship in my life, as I ate cupcakes with my 4 1/2 year old son and his little friend. My entire life seemed to have been one mess after another and I feared the second half of my life would be as bad as the first. Telling myself this sad story of my life only hurt me more.

Over time I have come to see I did the best I could, given who I was, throughout my life.

The ache in my heart, I tried so desperately to fill, caused myself and others much unintended suffering over the years. Clearly, I can now see how my misguided actions were a call for love and they do not negate my worth or my past life.

We have all suffered enough in life. Let us not perpetuate our pain by viewing our past life as a failure. It is time to reframe our life story, and honor our past richly woven with life lessons and the chiseling of a character.

Now I see that my reckless, painful past gave me gifts of great measure. This wound in my soul caused me to search deeply all my life for meaning.

My wound brought me closer to God as I realized, over and over, how much I needed help in my life. Coming to intimately know my own pain and so-called failings brought me to my knees, humbling me, teaching me to see others with more compassion.

Our darkness is as much a part of our magnificence as our light. So now I thank God for my life - all of it.

“We are all cracked. It is through the cracks the light enters.” Leonard Cohen, poet and songwriter

Spiritual ABC’s Summary

A = Ask for Help

*Go to God for Help: “Please help me navigate through this. Thank you for helping.”

*Help Yourself. Live in Gratitude! Give thanks to God for everything and everyone, always.

*Reach Out to Others: End your isolation by reaching out to others for help.

B = Breathing Being

*Transformative Ten Breath Countdown: Everyone has time to count down ten times as they breathe in and breathe out.

*“Be Still and Know that I am God.” Stillness it the doorway to God.

*Being in the Body: Through being still we begin to hear our bodies’ needs and learn to care for our bodies, now.

C = Cultivate Compassion

*Pray for Compassion: “Please, God, help me find compassion here. Thank you for helping me.”

*Seek the Big Picture: When we make a mistake rather than beating on ourselves, we need to reach for a larger perspective.

*Reframing the Story: We run a continual flow of stories in our mind explaining everything that is happening or has happened to us. If we can let our stories go for a moment and ask God, "How else can I see this?" we may see a greater truth.

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