I was reluctant to have him sleep overnight because he had basketball camp the next day and was exhausted, needed to pack a big lunch (which he wouldn’t get at the neighbors) and had blistered feet that needed taping in the morning. With hindsight, I saw how much of my angst and resistance that night was more about yet another loss with my son.

How many summers had I nursed him, fed him, cared for him, each night after those grueling, week long basketball camps? Now, he really didn’t need me to do this anymore.

So although I gave him my reasoning and encouraged him to sleep at home I respected his decision and drove him back to his friend’s house (as it turned out the natural consequence of lack of sleep and hunger at camp the next day was not such fun. A perfect way of parenting teens!).

That night, when I called our son one last time at his friend’s (to give him the number of where I would be the next day) I heard his “Now why is she calling?” tone of voice and I again, took offense. Gees! I gave him the phone number and then with a very curt good-bye, hung-up.

Then, I sat and felt my grief. No doubt every mother of every teenage child feels this grief as her child moves onto the next step of autonomy. (Remember all those little letting-goes? “I can walk to school alone now!” No more holding hands, hugs and kisses in public, bed-time stories…)

With our teens these letting-goes are felt more deeply because we know all too soon our child – whom we have poured our lives and heart into - will leave our home to make a home for themselves.

So my remorse over my unsavory teen parenting and curt hang-up that night was magnified with yet another letting-go. I saw how truly fleeting and measured our time together is. Deeply, I saw how each encounter we have – no matter how fleeting – hugely counts.

With each word, expression, eye contact (or lack thereof), tone of voice, intention, emotion we either build bridges or pushing ourselves apart. Harsh words create more distance and separation from our teen’s who are already working hard to separate from us and find their own identity. Why push them away with harsh words?

There is no justification for unkind comments – regardless of what he said or did. Often, if I pause a moment before flying into self-righteous indignation I will see how my own words or actions precipitated what came back to me. Particularly, when parenting teens - sharp words spoken only get us defensive words in return.

The power of words is dramatic. Sharp and “care-less” words hurt not only our children and our relationship but they hurt us. When I am careless with my words and actions I later feel ashamed, remorseful and diminished.

However, none of us are perfect and parenting teens can be challenging. Over and over, moment by moment, person by person, we will have the chance start again and choose our words. Let us be gentle with ourselves as we work to be more loving - remembering this is the work of a lifetime.

There are no insignificant moments, no casual unimportant contacts – it all counts – everywhere, with everyone. It is our lifework to build bridges, to build others and ourselves with every word, every action, in every moment. Let what we say and do be reflective of who we truly are!

And let what you say and do save your marriage...

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