Save Your Marriage

Have you ever wondered if you could save your marriage? A few years back, after my husband’s job loss, I wondered if we could save ours. After leaving his job of fifteen years, my husband fell into a crisis of immobilizing despondency, fear and self-doubt.

My empathy waned as more and more time passed, as bills mounted and summer holidays seemed a remote financial impossibility. As much as I loved my husband, my resentment built as it seemed unfair that I should have to get another job to make ends meet.

Our relationship teetered in a precarious balance as my “helpful” suggestions for my husband; and my husband’s seemingly passive entrenchment wedged us apart. Partly, we made it through this trying time as we both attempted to keep communicating, however strained our marriage was. For me, though, my turning point came through the voice of my God.

Listen to the Voice of Your God

I have this wonderful gift that at times seems like my bane. If something is really amiss in my life I awaken in the midst of the night and remain sleepless until I hear what needs to be heard. This particular morning I awoke at 3:00 a.m. and couldn't sleep.

The small, quiet voice of my God whispered, "What are you doing?" I thought, "What am I doing? - You mean what is HE - not doing!" However, that cryptic, persistent voice quietly repeated, "No, Teresa - What are YOU doing?"

Within the dark hours of that sleepless night, I pondered that query until then – Oh so clearly! – I saw what I was doing. I saw how subtly (and not so subtly) I had been resenting and blaming my husband for not working, not doing enough to get work, and our summer vacation being threatened due to lack of funds.

Next, that small voice of clarity whispered to me, "What would you be doing if Steve wasn't here?" Journeying not so far back in time I clearly recalled the six years I was a single mother.

I remembered the times there was not enough money for holidays or Christmas. What did I do? Did I moan and blame someone? No, I scrambled to pick up bits of work to make the extra money. Why was I putting all this pressure on my husband then? If I wanted more money for our family (and to save our marriage!) then blaming and resenting my husband was never going to make that happen!

I then decided (with my husband’s agreement) to drive, by myself, 500 miles to Vancouver to acquire another certification that would generate more income for me. (Unexpected money came to us to help pay for this training!) Quite suddenly there I was; journeying alone to Vancouver to get my certification.

To Thine Own Self Be True

As I headed down that highway, leaving behind my son and husband for several days, I could not remember when last I’d made a long road trip by myself. It was a time before the birth of my son. In that poignant moment I saw how much of my life, heart and soul I had poured into my son (and husband) for so very long. It was time for me to do what I needed to do for myself.

Interestingly, as I changed – focusing on what I needed and then doing it – the family changed. Steve found his own path. My son discovered I am a separate being with my own needs and desires – not merely an extension of his needs. Thankfully we saved our marriage through this trying time and have a closer, better relationship for working through it.

Save Your Marriage

If you are in a trying relationship with a partner who seems withdrawn or stuck or perhaps, you are on the other side and feel your partner is pushing and controlling you; do not give up on each other. (Of course this excludes staying in abusive situations.) All relationships have hills and valleys, switching partners only leads to a different range of hills and valleys!

Within any strained relationship, whoever has the wider consciousness must reach out to shift the impasse. We can practice sitting, breathing in and out, letting go of our thoughts about our partner’s shortcomings, and returning to our God (as we understand Him/Her).

We can seek the bigger picture and do our best to remember we love this person. We can seek to understand what is really going on for them, and to let go of expecting them to fulfill our needs.

It is here, in the grist of daily life, we are called to our true lifework. If we are unhappy, it is our lifework to try to change ourselves and fulfill our own needs. We cannot change another but through changing ourselves - and we can with God’s help - we can save our marriage.

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